From Self Doubt to Self-Love

Embrace your conscious existence without conditions. For in the tapestry of life it is the misfit who colors the world with authenticity, illuminating the path to extraordinary possibilities.

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Growing up for me was a very traumatic experience. I struggled with binge eating disorder since I was around 5 or 6 years old. I loved to eat. Food was like a drug for me. It gave me so much pleasure. It comforted me. It ultimately controlled me. 

I was always the fattest person in the room. I was always seen as undesirable to my peers. I wasn’t the girl who the boys had a crush on. I was the girl who no one wanted to sit next to in class. I was the kid who was always picked last. 

It felt like I was living in a nightmare that I would never wake up from. Why was I so different? Why was I so ugly? Why was I so bad? Why couldn’t I do anything right? Why couldn’t I have any redeeming qualities? Why the hell was I even born? 

I felt devalued. I felt worthless. It got to the point to where I just gave in. I had felt like I had no more fight left in me. I began to believe what everyone said that I was. I was ugly. I was fat. I was nothing. I was worthless. And that’s when I became to know what real depression felt like. That’s when I began to teeter with the thought of easing my pain my ending my own life. 

Growing up for me was very traumatic. I was the fat kid. I was the ugly girl. I was the person who no one wanted to sit by in class. I was the kid who was always picked last. I was ostracized not only by my peers but I was also abused by a lot of the adults in my life when I was a child, which included abuse from people in my family as well, people who were suppose to show me love and support and not refer to me as a fat ugly bitch whenever they couldn’t regulate their own emotions. 

So by the age of 18 I basically had no sense of self worth. Everything that everyone said that I was, I had started to believe them by that point. What they said that I was became my new identity. I no longer recognized myself as the Courtney that I use to be. I no longer smiled. I had no reason to. I began to realize what depression was because I was in the thick of it. I would sleep upwards of 18 hours a day. I would only come out of my room to eat and to use the bathroom. I would go weeks without showering or brushing my teeth beacuse I didn’t have the energy or the motivation to look after myself. I felt hopeless. I had become a recluse. I had developed social anxiety so server that I could no longer leave my home. 

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