Some days I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Some days, I do. On those days when I do, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Even then, all it takes is for me to step outside and get side eyed by some random stranger, and suddenly the belief that I’m ugly and not good enough comes rushing right back in. All it takes is one look of disgust. For some reason I seem to get these looks from people all of the time. What I find strange is that I get these looks much less when I’m covered up from head to toe in an over-sized sweat shirt and sweatpants. Instead, it’s when I try to dress up even remotely girly and sexy, that I’m quickly reminded by everyone around me that I’m anything but. Or so it would seem. Why does it seem like everyone’s always judging me on my appearance?
I get it. I really do. You think I’m hideous. How dare I have the nerve to try and dress up to make myself feel good. You obviously think that everyone who doesn’t fit in with the conventional standards of beauty should just go sit in a corner somewhere and die. Instead of drawing attention to ourselves, we should try to blend in with the crowd. After-all, nobody wants to see our ugly face or disgusting bodies. Got it. The thing is though, by my very nature and personality, I’m bound to draw attention from people. For god sakes I’m almost 30 years old, I dress predominantly in all black, I ride around on a massive unconventional fat tired bike, and I’m usually sporting a pair of animal ears on my crazy haired head.
The thing that I don’t understand is, though, is that if me being my unconventional self makes me happy, then why can’t you just be happy for me?The truth is. It’s not even your fault. It’s mine. The law of vibration and energy applies to EVERYTHING, and not just experiences that I pick and choose whenever I don’t feel like taking responsibility for my own vibes. In other words, if I’m attracting experiences in my life where I feel like I’m always being judged by other people, then I really need to take a look at my own beliefs and ask myself why that is. What am I doing to create these negative unwanted experiences in my life? I think I might have found the answer to this question over the weekend. The other day the universe reminded me of a very valuable lesson, and it came in the form of birds…
So I was at the park doing what I normally do. I was practicing my daily qigong flow, doing my acupressure points, deep breathing in some fresh air, sunbathing, and just taking in the beautiful views of nature all around me. As I was laying on my blanket, two birds began to inch closer and closer over to me. It was kind of cute at first glance, but I really didn’t take much interest because in my mind they were just your standard typical pigeons, and nothing special. Not only were they “just pigeons”, they were making some jerky neck movements that kind of creeped me out, and honestly after awhile I just wanted them to get away from me.
Just as I was harshly judging these birds, a cute little brown bird appeared seemingly out of nowhere in the midst of this sea of black pigeons. Everything about this bird from the way that it looked all the way down to the way that it hopped around like a cute little bunny was just adorable, and before I knew it the oo’s and the awes came pouring out and I instantly wanted this cute little bird to hop on over my way. In that moment, suddenly I had realized what I had done. I had judged those poor little birds solely based off of their physical appearance. I DID TO THOSE BIRDS EXACTLY WHAT I CLAIMED THAT OTHER PEOPLE DO TO ME.
That’s when I began to realize that I was the one who was judging everything. Not only do I sometimes judge things in my environment harshly, but what’s even worse is that I also sometimes judge myself just as harsh. Just like the jerky neck movements of the pigeons, if there’s any flaw that I perceive on myself on any given day, I quickly start to feel like I’m not good enough. A valuable lesson was reinforced in me that day. Firstly that our experiences are always just a reflection of our own beliefs. The universal law of like attracts like always stands, and we do in fact create our own reality through our own perception. The bottom-line is, if I want to stop being judged by other people, then I need to stop judging myself and everything around me. After all, who says that the butterfly is better than the moth? Who says that the butterfly should be set free while the moth needs to be smashed with a shoe, simply because of its appearance? Every being is worthy no matter what they look like or no matter their perceived flaws.
We’re all living, breathing creatures of god and we’re all beautiful. Yes, everyone has their own preferences and that’s fine. Still, everyone deserves love and respect. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful, to be happy, and to be treated with love and kindness, even if they’re not to your preference. Most of all, before we can accept love, we must first show that same love to ourselves. We must believe that we deserve respect, that we are worthy, lovable, beautiful and awesome. Those birds, they taught me a lot that day. Best of all, they taught me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my uniqueness. They taught me that I shouldn’t care about blending in with the crowd and that I should just be me, Courtney. They taught me to love myself and all beings unconditionally, and that harsh judgments only keep us from seeing the unique beauty that lies in everyone and in everything.